It took about ten minutes of staring before I noticed the bold letters staring back at me. The words that are very clearly stated. The words that I wrote. I was staring at my website, reacquainting myself with it and missing it, wondering how it has been so long since I’ve posted something on it, when I finally noticed them. LIVE. FAIL. LEARN. REPEAT. I have been beating myself up for throwing my blog on the back burner and letting it get old and moldy. We’re talking about the kind of mold that warrants just throwing the pan away. I completely neglected my website, my blog, but most importantly my story. I failed to fill you in on the pursuit. I failed to even keep up with it.
Let’s see, what was it again that had me pretending I was too busy or didn’t have enough to write about? Oh, yeah, FEAR. Boom! MIND BLOWN. For the longest time I thought the only kind of justifiable fear was evoked by Micheal Myers or that possessed girl from The Exorcist. But, fear of following your dreams? Going after what will make you truly happy? Why would anyone be afraid of those things? Weird. I know, I’m sure none of you have ever experienced this type of fear so I ‘m on my own (winky face, nudge, nudge), but this is the learning part of the equation for me. I have learned that fear can create old and moldy things in your life, but it doesn’t mean those things are garbage.
I didn’t throw the pan away. I am getting down and dirty with the mold, the failing and the learning. It is gross. Grosser than the bathroom stalls at an Irish Pub after a night of too many whiskey shots (I worked at one for five years, I have real data). Worse than newborn baby diaper changing kind of gross. No one likes cleaning poop, but you gotta do it. So, I’m going to keep dealing with the mold until I get my clean, shiny pan back. Who doesn’t love shiny, new things?!
So, here I am again, still in pursuit (hence the part two) of my restaurant and I’m not giving up. Sometimes following your dreams takes longer than you think. Sometimes fear of the unknown causes you to shut down. Sometimes decisions can be hard so you stop making them. And then, sometimes, you’re sick of dealing with shitty baby diapers so you decide to put your big girl panties on and start taking steps forward. Baby steps, but steps none the less. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll be off and running.
I’m taking steps back into action and the momentum feels good. Really good. Before I tell you what’s currently on my plate, however, let’s do a little Wayne’s World time warp shall we? (Cue hand movements and strange mouth sounds.) Last I wrote I was in Hungary visiting family, learning Hungarian recipes and practicing self-control from too many pork products available (which isn’t a bad thing). Unfortunately, Andy and I’s time in Hungary had to end (a.k.a. we ran out of money) and we had to get back to the reality of working and making money again. We returned to Alaska, spent this last summer appeasing tourists, working long hours and saving money. Opening a restaurant takes a lot of money. But, I’m on my way.
The summer is behind us and I am enjoying the peacefulness that finds Skagway in the winter months. This winter solitude has allowed me to rediscover my pursuit and reignite my passion. I have been cooking Hungarian food for friends and plan on keeping bellies full of it all winter. I am learning how to be a Bold Badass Businesswoman! I am creating start-up cost spreadsheets! Did you know a booster seat costs fifty-five dollars?! Thursday will be my first shift on the line at the restaurant I work at! On Friday I get to be the lunch lady substitute at the school!
I am learning how to put myself out there and things are happening! Visions of my restaurant are dancing in my head.
I’m living. I’m failing. I’m learning. I’m going to repeat those over and over again. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.