Alaska

It took about ten minutes of staring before I noticed the bold letters staring back at me.  The words that are very clearly stated.  The words that I wrote.  I was staring at my website, reacquainting myself with it and missing it, wondering how it has been so long since I’ve posted something on it, when I finally noticed them.  LIVE. FAIL. LEARN. REPEAT.  I have been beating myself up for throwing my blog on the back burner and letting it get old and moldy.  We’re talking about the kind of mold that warrants just throwing the pan away.  I completely neglected my website, my blog, but most importantly my story.  I failed to fill you in on the pursuit.  I failed to even keep up with it.

Let’s see, what was it again that had me pretending I was too busy or didn’t have enough to write about?  Oh, yeah, FEAR.  Boom! MIND BLOWN.  For the longest time I thought the only kind of justifiable fear was evoked by Micheal Myers or that possessed girl from The Exorcist.  But, fear of following your dreams?  Going after what will make you truly happy?  Why would anyone be afraid of those things?  Weird.  I know, I’m sure none of you have ever experienced this type of fear so I ‘m on my own (winky face, nudge, nudge), but this is the learning part of the equation for me.  I have learned that fear can create old and moldy things in your life, but it doesn’t mean those things are garbage.

I didn’t throw the pan away.  I am getting down and dirty with the mold, the failing and the learning.  It is gross.  Grosser than the bathroom stalls at an Irish Pub after a night of too many whiskey shots (I worked at one for five years, I have real data).  Worse than newborn baby diaper changing kind of gross.  No one likes cleaning poop, but you gotta do it.  So, I’m going to keep dealing with the mold until I get my clean, shiny pan back.  Who doesn’t love shiny, new things?!

So, here I am again, still in pursuit (hence the part two) of my restaurant and I’m not giving up.  Sometimes following your dreams takes longer than you think.  Sometimes fear of the unknown causes you to shut down.  Sometimes decisions can be hard so you stop making them.  And then, sometimes, you’re sick of dealing with shitty baby diapers so you decide to put your big girl panties on and start taking steps forward.  Baby steps, but steps none the less.  Eventually, hopefully, you’ll be off and running.

I’m taking steps back into action and the momentum feels good.  Really good.  Before I tell you what’s currently on my plate, however, let’s do a little Wayne’s World time warp shall we?  (Cue hand movements and strange mouth sounds.)  Last I wrote I was in Hungary visiting family, learning Hungarian recipes and practicing self-control from too many pork products available (which isn’t a bad thing). Unfortunately, Andy and I’s time in Hungary had to end (a.k.a. we ran out of money) and we had to get back to the reality of working and making money again.  We returned to Alaska, spent this last summer appeasing tourists, working long hours and saving money. Opening a restaurant takes a lot of money.  But, I’m on my way.

The summer is behind us and I am enjoying the peacefulness that finds Skagway in the winter months.  This winter solitude has allowed me to rediscover my pursuit and reignite my passion.  I have been cooking Hungarian food for friends and plan on keeping bellies full of it all winter.  I am learning how to be a Bold Badass Businesswoman!  I am creating start-up cost spreadsheets!  Did you know a booster seat costs fifty-five dollars?!  Thursday will be my first shift on the line at the restaurant I work at!  On Friday I get to be the lunch lady substitute at the school!

I am learning how to put myself out there and things are happening!  Visions of my restaurant are dancing in my head.

I’m living.  I’m failing.  I’m learning.  I’m going to repeat those over and over again.  I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

For some reason, tonight, I thought of Charles Bukowski.  I was standing outside and envisioning him standing on the streets of Skagway.  Of course he was smoking and drinking, but he was doing more than that. He was living, breathing, loving, hating and cursing with Skagway. He found the joy, but didn’t mask the indisputable reality. This mixture of emotion made me smile.  Not because I wanted to revel in the same set of emotions as him, but because I had a moment that felt as poetic and real as does all of his writing.  Whether or not you have read his work, know this, he speaks his own truth.  He doesn’t sugar coat, say the right thing, wait for the timing to be right or falsify himself for better societal acceptance. He is and he does.  Some people hate him, some people love him.  I’ll let you decide.

I guess that is what I felt tonight.  This town makes me feel real.  I feel alive.  I don’t worry about what shoes I wear or what I accessorize with.  Sure, I brought my earrings and makeup, but no one gives a shit about whether your shoes match your outfit or if you’re wearing the right color given the season.  You do and wear what you want for you and only you. You dance like nobody’s watching.  You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.  God knows the Disney cruise folks don’t care; they are only concerned about placing as many Mickey and Minnie stickers around town as possible.  We know you were here Disney cruise, no need to leave us a momento.

The point is, Skagway is what it is.  Sometimes we have eggs, sometimes we don’t.  Sometimes I wish I could make a quick trip to Target for a new top.  The next day, I love that my old, ragged t-shirt from high school will do just fine and instead of spending hours roaming aimlessly through those perfectly arranged ailes, I cook, play softball, take a hike in the woods or just sit idly, gazing at the magnificent mountains around me.  It took me a few weeks to find the right hot sauce, but I found some! In Juneau, a plane ride away.  Totally worth it.  Tapatio on eggs?  I will travel many miles.

I have been reminded of the real joys in life. The ones we forget about, take for granted, excuse for something or someone showing us the better, more efficient way.  There is more to life than new cars, wireless internet and 24hr gas stations.  There are many luxuries that we have come to expect, but Skagway has reminded me, or maybe forced me to live simply and simply live.   It takes planning. It takes patience. It takes a couple of deep breathes.  But, it ends with a shrug, a smile and a set of shoulders with not an even an ounce of weight to carry.  It’s not like we are without electricity and the modern amenities, but we don’t have everything.  It’s a tiny town, with only a barge carrying our weekly supplies.  We are lacking some of the conveniences and luxuries one could find in a  big city, but Skagway has more life, love, laughter, music, community, serendipity and history than most cities could only hope for.  There may not be much gold left up in those mountains, but the true gem that remains is Skagway.

For lack of a better and more concise way to explain everything that brings me joy in this town, I have come up with a top ten list.  It is in no particular order.  If you ever get to Skagway, I can only hope that we share some of this list.

1.   The sound of my boots on a real, wooden boardwalk.  Nine blocks long.  It makes me feel like a bad ass.

2.   There seem to be more bike racks than parking spots.  Driving is actually less efficient in this town (especially when tourists are crowding the streets) and when you can do all of your errands on a vintage bike with a basket, why would you want to be stuck inside a metal box.

3.   There is a true, old, local hardware store.  If they don’t have it, you don’t need it.

4.   I have two windows in my apartment.  Both look out to the mountains and one even shows off a glacier.

5.   Instead of Target, we have Skagway Swap.  It gives an entirely new meaning to the phrase, one person’s junk is another person’s treasure. There is a better selection than Target and much better prices!

6.   There is very little WiFi in town.  Sure, it makes keeping a blog a bit difficult, but I have rediscovered things other than web pages, Facebook and Netflix.  Things like the local library, NPR, and writing letters.

7.   The tourists huff and puff and think the alcohol has gone to their head because of the elevation.  Sea level is about eight blocks and five feet away people.

8.   People are genuinely nice here.  They want to have a conversation with you.  We say hi on the sidewalks and wave to each other on the streets.

9.   In just a short 3 mile hike, you can feel as if you’re at the edge of the earth. 

10.   It turns out, the residents of Skagway are still finding gold to this day – in their own way perhaps.